aching wanting needed reason......

i fell for it again...................................
i fell for him again...
my night in shineing amour
the one that say s
the one that does
the one i listen too
the one i only wish we could
love each other unconditional
every single time we talk
he brings up the past
and stabs me in the heart with it
trying to make me feel better
but everytime i am left with a
big gapeing hole
but the truth of the matter is
i feel that way with anyone
and everyone that comes in close
contact..i so wanted to drink
last night and get fucked up..
than this morning when i was
argueing with a bandmate
which is normal in my world
and if you ask most artists
and there relatioships with
others and if they choose to
answer honestly ...us creative
people never see eye to eye
with anything...and the ones i have
well i would lie if people
didn't get fucken annoyed with
me...i kind of dont do so
well with people off stage..
on stage rarely have i been upset
it takes alot...
i have been singing since
i have been 5 yrs..and never
when little any support..
so i guess iam a contradiction.
its been almost a year since i
a large bottle of jack daniels
entered my gut in a hour period..
loved the feeling, but in the morning
and three mornings after
i was throwing up and pissing blood.
not a pretty sight..my reasoning...
well 2 failed love affair (guy with three years i worked he did
not , built recording studio , we where suppose to share
in three years got 5 hours in total to record and he heckled
me at shows while drunk and would elbow and kick me while
sleeping)( the friend peer mentor we got into a relationship together
was suppose to go on tour with him, got left behind
, when he left met three other girls he was fucking while
with me than saw a picture of his current love them sucking lips
on myspace, when i was in hospital dieing of a staff infection
in my body, also fighted amonia and sinus infections),
a failed band ( I went nuts got nutspeople to play with me, and the
normal and talented ones left)
a failed job (got beat up by a celebrity nicole egart
and crack hoes while makeing money selling chocolates
and ciggarettes in a top hollywood nightclub)
and a failed musical community ( one guy tried to commit
suicide and the other beat up his girl friend in front
of a recordlabel and top booker in our community) ,
a failed producer( some ass dangleing fucken carrots
in front of my face for three years..) ...yada yada yada..

i wanted to drink today.....
why?
why not!
well!
probibly need some physical attention...
mentor peer friend well still in love and
to make matters worse back in the situation
but better as friends..hard dealing as friends..


left los angeles to come to austin
because friend, mentor, peer
was dieing, ????????
got to stay in a rockstars friends
house and focus on music and playing
but those damn fucking emotions
and feeling always pop back up..
now he's been gone...
i have written and played all over
and life is good...
why iam a complaining??
perhaps iam just expressing myself
thats healthy i suppose...
back hurts today..
getting ready for big show wednesday
and half the professional guys have not
returned my phone calls so now
i have green green stand up bass player
and genius no joke on lap steel..
so its probibly going to be great..
me on friend peer mentor 's banjo
and of course my gretch hollow body guitar..
singing my fucken heart out...
cause its the only place that i can be
myself and not be treated like shit..
and if so i will probibly sing one of my
many many songs that gut wrench and
make people cry..i dont do it on purpose
its just how iam....
anyway........






this is how you make me feel
over and over again and
again again again again
why why why why wh y
do i kneel kneel kneel kneel
when i know i am nothing but
a slab of meat to you
a stray animal in your quarters
why am i upset to day
becuase yesterday you called
and called me asshole over
and over and over again
than called me asshole and
did it over and over and
over again...why do i take
it..over and over and over again..
perhaps its the juice of my
muse...the air of my room..


the blood raceing threw my veins
..the heat yearning in my belly
the hungry dry ground begging
for a drop of spit from your mouth
but what i get is poisonious and distructive
infection in my bed of roses
a infectious bug eating and brakeing
the very essence of my bones
digging in like a swarm of locusts
admist a very green and growing
and very much alive oak tree ..
the seperation is starting its
air of tornado and hurricane
air of electricty..
all i wanted..was what i will
never want..like water under the
bridge..when i am up in a ballon
looking down seeing allon the
ground..like a ant hill..all the running
around and scwerming..
she elluded to slitting her wrists
because you gave a very small
amount of love to me..
and what ever guilt you have
bestowed on me... she is
safe from that side of you..
and i still eat the morsels on
that morning breakfast..
still a little girl waiting for
that bus ..waiting for that door..
waiting in that line for a plate
of food...but no not me..
i am like a spare key undeneath
the mat..well as time goes on
i will grow tire of some mind
fucken games..and will disappear
...or at least i will be unavailable
and perhaps..that will be better
in the long run..no matter how heart
brakeing it is..but i have never
been successful at this matter
of the heart...and i get alot out of
..i must..how my love for you is
for ever growing..but at what cost..
are people ever truely happy..
how there is no comfort ...no room
for comforting..no arms or desire
to be comforted..i am unable
to comfort you and for this i must
mentally pack my bags and go..
eventually it will all make sense..
no more magnets of our hearts..
no more.....
i beg the universe to make my life
easier....to make the matters of my heart
simpler..to make my heart simpler..
where are my keys to the kingdom...
i think it is just a matter of haveing
my body mind and soul touched
loved needed and wanted..
thats what it is all about..
i wish he would just say ..go away
but perhaps its a learning ...
process....
i miss the idea...i miss the idea..
i miss the person...i miss the person..
i miss the touch ..i miss the touch..
i miss the sex magic...the sex magic...
i miss the voice..i miss his voice..
i miss his eyes..his eyes...
i miss his the his the his the his that
what what what what what what..
i must be in love...in love ..in love..
love lost
found
touched i want to be touched
am i touched am i touched
did i touch, did i touch , did i touch
is he touched, am i touched ?
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
oxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox



.......................................................
today i must practice a two hour set..
call these local musicians to see and hope
they dont bail out of this upcomeing
show that means alot to me...
.......................................................

start mapping out my new
album i am currently working on...

..........................................................