the end of a hollywood romance ..thank you thank you

the end of a hollywood romance
thank thank you thank you
my romance of six years..
the one i loved dearly with all my heart..
its was his music
then his lyrics
the mystery
the mastery
it is the end
of this hollywood romance
never to play with again my dear
never to hear his voice again my dear
never again
will i have a complete half
perhaps i will but not right now i feel..
the end of a hollywood romance..

December 30, 2008 - Tuesday

to stay postive..to stay positive ..to stay positve

must stay positive
must stay positive
must stay positive

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it is the way it is...

it is the way it is...........
a friend a foe a lover a con
screams out to me
says he is dieing
i leave the man, the job
the potential
i was so happy moving on
so it seemed
then the texts came in
the phone calls
i forgot i forgot
i am forgiving i believe
everyone should have
a chances..
the chance was to
get hurt, abused, used
and left to rot on the street
all this master plan to
take take take
and leave me to die..
two days before
x mas after all the guests
had gone..he starts
screaming shouting
violent..i drive him to
the hospital..he drives me
dumps me..says he's going
to call on me..
i have no more money..
such abuse..
why?
he says my girlfriends
coming you have to get
out of town..iam going
to sell u r guitar and amp
for the money u owe me..
sick to my stomach
terrifyed
horrified
i feel sick to my stomach
about the whole deal..
its gross ..
to make matters worse
this guy who i thaught
was a stand up guy said
you could help me, no
promises..for booking
i respected that guy so
much ..just adored his
spirit about music..
i found out he was talking
bad about me,,and lied
about booking shows for
me..gross gross gross....
than my ex..everything
got on his phone..
now i have folks
hateing on me,,i ust
moved here..dispite
all youck youck youck..
great things have happened..
all this shit
for some fresh air..
thank goodness xoxoxxo

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December 25, 2008 - Thursday

ghost town christmas..
Category: Music

this is a ghost town x-mas
all my fair weather friends
have gone
i ran out of money
and that guy ran me
out of town
the kindness of strangers
is something i cant bare
the streets are all empty
not a single person
is walking nor do i share
what i hear near is
children laughing
and the drunken choirs
are fighting..

this is my ghost town x-mas
all the ones i love our gone..
little baby jesus is painted
on this torn thrown out
x mas card..

i can hardly get out
of bed on this day
it reminds me
of that terrible day
911 was called too late
and my family was slain..

why i tell you about it now..
this i can never figure it out..

the x-mas headline news
so long ago..
it was in all the papers
all those friendly people
are so far away all i will
remember is there face
is shock and terror..
I was the only witness
to small to comprehend
too young to discribe
still a blacked out memory
alcohol cant bare..
...
my mother had been
putting the turkey on
the table and my father
had been drinking
holiday sherri
just me singing carols
with my new favorite doll
my dog was chaseing
his tail..the fireplace
was roaring it was
the most wonderful tale,

the air had been cold
with frost never had
there been a day so
cold for 80 yrs so they
said..

the presents had never been
opened and they never will..

all those close could not see
me for all those days to come
and they never will
ghost town x-mas for ever shall i bare..

ghost town christmas
where the lights have been
burnt out for years.

ghost town christmas
where the cheer has turned
to worn out tears

ghost town x-mas
is where i was left
to walk on the streets
looking else where..

jingle bells can tell you
what it used to be like.
no i can tell you a single
bell hollering in the night.

st nick was a saint but
that night he died..
ghost town x-mas
forever shall i write..

ghost town x-mas
was captured that day
ghost town x-mas

is where i shall roam
where baby jesus is
on a torn thrown out x-mas card..

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December 17, 2008 - Wednesday

help...i got a bug that is eraseing all my friends..boo hoo

help i got a bug that is eraseing
all my friends on my space...
boo hooo

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............................

....................................
....................................
.....................................
away
a way
............................................

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what can i say...it just is the way it is...

no matter what i say
no matter what i do
no matter where i go
no matter what i want
no matter what i think i need
i know the truth
in my heart
i must accept
the truth
and accept
things are the way
they are
the way things are always going to be
i have love in my heart
even after all the abuse
all the harsh words
the lies
the threats
the put downs
the actions
the manipulations
i must accept my part
myself
my actions
there is doubt in my heart at times
that they could be true
but than i hear my words
and i see my actions
i am not wrong
i did not mean harm
i did not do harm
only to myself
i opened the door
to the same abuse
i went threw as a child
every Christmas
every special moment
he would snap
at the most peaceful moments
and brake my nose
my ribs
my ears
my hands
my shoulders
my legs
my back
violation
as a child
is a disturbing
ripple in the sol ice of having
a working functioning body
and a mind so creative
as years go by
fear seems like a blanket
in the cold
but really its a noose in dis pare
so when i experience
these things again and again
they seem comfortable
they seem natural
being a victim
seems like a comfortable feeling..
but when i get away
from it even for a moment
i experience all the emotions
fear sadness self loathing
self hate no more self esteem
body deformation
in my mind and accidents
start to ac cure
like a dog that has been beaten
...
this morning the doorbell
resonated threw this house
and i awoke in a middle
of nightmare and did a flip
out of the bed smashing myself
against a wall..dislocating my arm
and my knee...
only to find nice things awaiting
at the door...
......
......
......
......
......
......
.....
again in this spot
no more money
no more c.D's
depleted of all resources
all for what..
anything with the contacts
i have made are tainted
99 percent of them have
been turned
and the result is always
the same...
always the same...
over and over and over again...
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
....
my heart was in the right place
i thought my friend was getting
ready to have a date with father
death..and i came running
with everything i had...
loyalty ....
it has been ingrained
in my very being
even if it is not a good thing..
even if the results are always
the same..
left ditched abused hungry lost hurt and in slot of fear..
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
but i will repair this shattered being
i will.....
and never to go back
never to go back
to go back never
ever never ever
no matter what..
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
because i can stay away
this time
for ever to fly
above
to rise above
like a phoenix out
of the ashes
i will.........................
...
....
.....
...
.....
....
god so help me..
if i live threw this i will
live threw anything
may love and forgiveness
dwell my sorrows and my pain..
..
.....
.....
......
.....
.....
to thine own self be true..
i may never bow down
to no man, place or thing
ever again.....
....
.....
.....
.....

runningfromthelivingdead

i am running
as fast as i can
from the ghosts
that are living..
the living dead..
the ones that feed
on loving and caring
people..
run i must
and run i will
cut out for good
never again be
seen with the
likes of the living dead..
they enter your life
they feed on you
little by little
they want everything
from you till
you have nothing
left to give
nothing left to
live for..
they devour
you till you are
unable to
to thing speak
or move..
they help you
in ways no one
has ever before
only to hurt
you in ways
that you have
never been
hurt before..
years and years
cutting every inch
of your soul..
moments those precious
moments they steal
from your very being..
for everykiss
there are a million bones
broken..
for every favor
there are a million smiles
erased in the lines of
time..
gone...
forever...
gone....
thats what you get
when you play
with the ones
that suck the very essence
of all that you believe in the
world is good..
how could i be such a fool..
again after all these years...
just a trusting soul who's
intentions are good...
but now i must run
i must run fast as fast
as i can from the living
dead...
the ghosts that are alive in well..
people dont have to be dead to be dead..
you can look in there eyes..
deeply look in there eyes
and you will see...
well i saw the hate the despise
i heard the words..
i see the pattern in my own life..
over and over and over again...
now it must stop..
it must stop for good..
i bow to no one no thing or no thaught...
i have finally rid myself of
a ghost that is living...
perhaps i was one my self
at one time..
that is why i could never see
the problem with the situation..
the price of a friendship
the lies of a minipulator...
how could i see it was all
i have ever known that used to ring
true in my heart...
i wrote the song while
i was locked up..
when i was 16 years old..
sentenced for a crime i did not
commit...
locked up for crimes
i did not do...
instatutionlized for things
that where done to me..
why did i let that happen again..
why did i believe like a child and a balloon..
he uttered under his breath the
living ghost ...you will never be
successful with out me...
you will die a broken heart
if you never talk to me again..
perhaps i would like to believe
that it would fill the victim in me..
but no longer
no longer
never never again...
never never again...
will i lock myself in a prison
with a jailer that beats and beats
my heart and soul...
xoxoxoxoxoxox

सित्तिंग बेक anothertimeanotherplace

तिमेस अरे अ changeinglikespittingchewinthewind

like spitting chew in the wind
like spitting chew
a spitting
spatune
spitting
spitting
chewing
chewing
chewing
you said i will be no one
no one a no body
that it is a mute
reality
a no body
will never be anyone
will never be anyone
'ever
never ever
thats what you said
you stabbed me
stabbed
me i am just a street kid
street kid

i am a street kid
with a guitar
a runaway
a hoe
a wife
a mistress
a virgin
a rockstar
a poet
a musician
a artist
a painter
a tradgic figure
a hero
a queen
a poet
a mother
a motherless child
a groupie

वहत wasithinkingbysayingallthethingsisaid

i have been in los angeles
left on the side of the road
left with a

knife in my heart
and a

dagger i my mouth
a

hachet in my hands
a

hammer and nail threw my feet
a

guitar string

threw my mouth
a

stake

threw my eyes


needles in

my most sensitive parts
unable

to be touched by human
due to the scars

due to the infection

in my

heart in my mind.

i was a caterpiller
i was a pretty cockroach
now i am a snail
i am the moth and the candle
all in one split moment
goodbye
blackcloud
goodbye other half of my heart
goodbye all the tears
goodbye
goodbye my muse
goodbye my beacon
goodbye my joker
goodbye my pendulume

what was my point
what was i trying to say
what was i looking for
what was the point of
all the blood sweat and tears
was it all for twenty dollars
was it all for more tears shed
was it all for a new scar across
my face..
was it all worth the damage done
what was the point
what happens when you wake
up out of this dark dismal dream
what happens when you remember
all the things you said
what happens when i remember all that was said
what happens when the door is forever closed
what happens when you look for me at a dark
moment and i am no longer there
how will you feel
do you feel
do you express the pauses
do you remember the facial expressions
do you remember the the dismembered
melodys dreams people conversations rumors likes clothing
i know you do sometimes
i know you dont sometimes
i know you dont care sometimes when its to late
your true
your true face
your true emotion
your true heart
you showed
cupped in your hand like broken glass
what will i do
what will i do
what will i do
i will find a way
dispite all the tradigy
dispite all the tears
dispite the lack of air
in my lungs
dispite the emotion
of the unconditional love

क्रूked कोला सोडा इ क्रूकेद्कोलासोदा

you suck
your the lier
the thief


......................................
you scum bag
you broke my heart
i traveled the ends of
the world for you
only for you to fuck
her in front of me
under the same roof
we where sleeping in
i am sick
i am sick
i went to austin thinking
you where dieing
honored you asked me
you asked me cause i had
money in my pocket
and i was finally moving on
with your sorry sorry ass

of these low life scum bags
lowlife scum bags
users and players and
minipulative
tiny tiny tiny hearted men...
god what to do now..
use so much morphene
for life..not such a bad idea
i am so fucked up
i still dream about the
man who has brought me to hell
and back.
he did say to me on the phone
if we leave on bad terms and i die
you will feel horrible for ending
in those terms..at
at the time i felt that way i agreed
with you but now never..
but today three days later
contimplateing to check my self
in for depression
so grossed out by the world
that i cant even be touched by people
i hve two shows i worked
really hard for..
the man whom really touched my
heart and really loved me is driveing
to see his face heart broken because
someone like you fucked with my spirit
is cruel mean and spiteful
i wish i could be done
i think the time is so close
i can taste it..
............


but how
you are the one who
believes in my music
has exposed it to the world
at large..
and in the same turn the one who
stabs me in th back when
i am not looking.....

.............................
the one that drops me
off when things get
to upsetting...
not the picture of
a man that truely loves
you...........
.........................................

hungry broke and hungry

my day today

my show at the continental was
fantastic..it was fun...
a bass player and drummer showed
up..of great great skill.
and rocked the house down..
for the two dozen people
that where there wanted
to se the act i had filled
the slot for..but goodness
me...i had made some new fans..
and got to play some of
my favorite songs
with some great players..
they made the words
and melodys
find a home..when that happens
i know in my heart i am
not nuts for writeing
the music i do...
i guess i just get fustrated
knowing i havewritten
hundreds and hundreds
of songs..
and i will keep
writeing no matter what..





other wise my day today...

i have a medical condition
and the medication
costs close to 400 $ a month
and being on the road
trying to expose
my music to as many people
as possible is and always
is a risky thing
its always a gamble
on my health
but i have never let it
get in my way
mut sometimes the price
is always tagged to some
form of adventure..
but going threw it always
makes me very very sad..





so i had to go to a
homeless shelter
and wait ten hours
eat meet the other folks
get adopted for a couple
hours by an old time hobo
who showed me the
ropes of liveing
on the streets
in austin..
i got some
notourious soup
from this place
it felt good
to est but the
the smell was
so bad in there
i almost passed out
in the back of the kitchen
there was showers
but thank god
i got a place staying
atmy friends friends house
anyway
then i walked aroung and listened
to my adopted
hobo body guard
for the day
of course we
got followed by
the cops
cause you got to
get out of the clinic
and then wait in line
to get back in..
sometimes the truth
is stranger than
fiction..
he had been a carpenter
for twenty years
after he got back
from veitnam..
and before he had
gone to fight for
uncle sam
he had done three years
in prison for stealing
asphalt on the side
of a construction site
anyway back to the
him being a carpenter
he had built a house
and was liveing with
his daughter
in his later 60's
getting ready to retire..
him and his daughter
had been driveing to the store
when i car out of no
where hit him
he had been hit by
two other cars
four cars in total
everyone died
his daughter
the other drivers..
he had broken
almost every part
of his body and went into
coma..recovered
stayed 15 months
in the hospital
at this time
his house foreclosed
and the state
sold his house all the contents..
he was in the hospital
with no left family in his house..
found him self
in a wheel chair homeless..
then contracted a staff infection
almost lost his leg again..
was in the hospital for another
six months...
well it had been
a while since all that
had happened
and then he just stayed
on the street..
it seems to me
there are alot of
storys like this..
but what he kept
repeating to me
was your life
can be changed
in a flashing minute..
so be grateful
for the idea of
a higher power..
while we where
walking we had found
ten green tiny bags..
some where empty
some where not
i just didn't want to
dope..what would of
been the point for me...
i just needed my
own medication..
my condition which came
from a direct result of being
a child drug addict...
no thanks i said...
by the time i had finally got
to see the docter
i got terrible ill...
my stomach was so much
in pain..
great i had gotten
a stomach flu..
but that pain went away
when a fellow hobo
was waiting to see if
he had liver cancer..
it turns out he did not..
i was glad for him..
so i got some of my meds
and got my friend
to take me home
to my friends, friends house..
i just passed out
for a long time
grateful i did
not have to sleep
on the streets that evening...

i wish i could tell you.................

dear my dearest friend,
i wish i could tell you
the pain in which i have
felt, the tears i have cryed..
the wounds i have reopened.
my heart i have shattered.
the bullet holes in my soul
i have gotten..i wish you
where right here beside me..
your hand would be
around me..your lips would
have written a whole record
on my breasts.
your warmth would erase
all the buckets of tears
that have ripped threw
my vains..
your kind words, your voice
your music,
your movement still
plays in my head.
your love...your motion..
your intellegence..
your whole being....
your the only one...

takeing pictures of my self

things i adore xoxoxoxoxo

things i adore........

i feel ..like this...i feel...like this.....i feel.......like this...

everyone has ghosts
in there closets
xoxoxoxoxooxo
oxoxoxoxoxoxox
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
oxoxoxoxoxoxox
oxoxoxoxoxoxox




let go of my chains
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
oxoxoxoxoxoxo
oxoxoxoxoxoxo
oxoxoxoxoxoxox
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo