what can i say...it just is the way it is...

no matter what i say
no matter what i do
no matter where i go
no matter what i want
no matter what i think i need
i know the truth
in my heart
i must accept
the truth
and accept
things are the way
they are
the way things are always going to be
i have love in my heart
even after all the abuse
all the harsh words
the lies
the threats
the put downs
the actions
the manipulations
i must accept my part
myself
my actions
there is doubt in my heart at times
that they could be true
but than i hear my words
and i see my actions
i am not wrong
i did not mean harm
i did not do harm
only to myself
i opened the door
to the same abuse
i went threw as a child
every Christmas
every special moment
he would snap
at the most peaceful moments
and brake my nose
my ribs
my ears
my hands
my shoulders
my legs
my back
violation
as a child
is a disturbing
ripple in the sol ice of having
a working functioning body
and a mind so creative
as years go by
fear seems like a blanket
in the cold
but really its a noose in dis pare
so when i experience
these things again and again
they seem comfortable
they seem natural
being a victim
seems like a comfortable feeling..
but when i get away
from it even for a moment
i experience all the emotions
fear sadness self loathing
self hate no more self esteem
body deformation
in my mind and accidents
start to ac cure
like a dog that has been beaten
...
this morning the doorbell
resonated threw this house
and i awoke in a middle
of nightmare and did a flip
out of the bed smashing myself
against a wall..dislocating my arm
and my knee...
only to find nice things awaiting
at the door...
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again in this spot
no more money
no more c.D's
depleted of all resources
all for what..
anything with the contacts
i have made are tainted
99 percent of them have
been turned
and the result is always
the same...
always the same...
over and over and over again...
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my heart was in the right place
i thought my friend was getting
ready to have a date with father
death..and i came running
with everything i had...
loyalty ....
it has been ingrained
in my very being
even if it is not a good thing..
even if the results are always
the same..
left ditched abused hungry lost hurt and in slot of fear..
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but i will repair this shattered being
i will.....
and never to go back
never to go back
to go back never
ever never ever
no matter what..
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because i can stay away
this time
for ever to fly
above
to rise above
like a phoenix out
of the ashes
i will.........................
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god so help me..
if i live threw this i will
live threw anything
may love and forgiveness
dwell my sorrows and my pain..
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to thine own self be true..
i may never bow down
to no man, place or thing
ever again.....
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